[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
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<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind