Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
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Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper