Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
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Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Labreador
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
new record!
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Not all heroes wear capes…
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.