[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap