How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
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My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
im 7 sauces long
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
December birthdays be like…
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
*praying for world peace*
God:
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.