Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Sharon I have some bad news
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.