I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
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me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?