Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
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[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.