Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
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Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Somebody’s lying.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Great Canadian literature.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
so this horse walks into a bar
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?