Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
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If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one