[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
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me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.