Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
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So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.