Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
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Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.