Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
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how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people