I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
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[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
A little too much information.
Worth the read.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.