Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
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Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover