wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
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American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes