Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
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Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.