I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
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[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
i was baptized in a car wash
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?