I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
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[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?