“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
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gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.