Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
You Might Also Like
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Lol.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
HOW DARE YOU
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
The pasta is now
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.