Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
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BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
not seeing the problem
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Labreador
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af