Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
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Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Pat is about to own someone
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….