why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
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[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble