Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
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Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
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I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot