Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
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My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day