If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
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Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.