The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
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Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries