10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
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Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger