Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
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Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
thank god
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
what it’s like dating me:
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.