I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
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*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil