My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
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A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.