My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
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I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
technically true but not a great slogan
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you