I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
You Might Also Like
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Me too door. Me too.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!