Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
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No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.