i liked her. i wifed her. 馃
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Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I鈥檒l be the first to admit when I鈥檓 wrong, I mean, I鈥檒l be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I鈥檒l do it.
Because I鈥檓 on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
when you鈥檙e broke you really start pondering. like if i didn鈥檛 buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Sharon I have some bad news
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Venn diagrams. You either love 鈥榚m or you hate 鈥榚m. Or you鈥檙e somewhere in the middle.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.