Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
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I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*