5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
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My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL