5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
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“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Sooo many times…..
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown