All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
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*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.