No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
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ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff