Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
You Might Also Like
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I have a place for everything. The floor.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there