as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
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When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”