No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
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Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
no!! no!!!!!!
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences