CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
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I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble