Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
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[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
I’d … I’d rather not.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care