*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
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There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Finally, an instrument I can play!
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Important
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.