Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
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Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.