Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
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My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style